How to Fork Up Your Hair in 75 Easy Steps

So I’ve been kind of loving my hair lately. You see, I’ve been dyeing it a little for the last couple of years. You know, those greys sneak up on you in your twenties (especially if you have super dark hair like mine) and you kind of freak out because omigosh I’m too young to be old and then out comes the Loreal. Because you’re worth it. Or something.

Of course, much to the upturned noses of my hairdresser friends, I’ve been using box dye. Mostly because I can’t afford to maintain monthly visits to the salon for upkeep, but also partly because I have yet to actually acquire anyone in this town who I consider to be “my” hairdresser…

Anyway, a year ago I stopped dying my hair because being old is a gift and fuck it I hate dying my hair. I also LOVE long grey hair. It’s fucking beautiful, man. Have you ever seen a woman with long naturally grey hair? One of my earliest memories is of my great-grandmother, Harriet Larter, and how she had this mane of long silver hair that she wore up in a bun. When she let it out though, it went all the way down to her bum. And she would sit in the sun and let it dry after washing it. God it was gorgeous. My tiny self approved. My grownup self approves too.

And so I started growing out my greys… Because you can’t have glorious grey hair if you keep covering it up with henna (horror of horrors I switched from box dye to henna somewhere along the line because henna doesn’t chew holes in my skull – hairdressers disapprove of this even more).

Guys: it was going well. I imagine most folks would look at me through the goggles of societal expectation and go “what on earth is she doing she’s let herself go – she’s now fat AND grey” but I was loving my grey streaks.

Just one problem though. The bottom half of my main didn’t have grey streaks. It had blonde streaks. These streaks used to be grey, but after years of faded hair dye, they were a kind of golden yellow. Quite like the colour of urine.

So I had a brilliant plan! 

I would buy a box of grey hair dye and DYE the blondes back to grey, right? Because if I covered my hair in grey hair dye, then the yellows would go grey but the dark browns would stay dark brown, right? It would almost be like I never dyed my hair in the first place, right?

Well… We’ll never know.

Because eish, Nadine shouldn’t be allowed to do things.

I bought a box of grey hair dye. But there was a bottle of pre-lightener in there. I didn’t need the pre-lightener. That wasn’t my goal. I just needed the grey.

But the pre-lightener was there…

And like…the instructions were all like “don’t even bother using this product if your hair doesn’t resemble Elsa’s from Frozen” and I was like “no bitch, this is not what we came here for…”

But the lightener was there…

And it was mocking me for not being Elsa.

What else was I supposed to do with it?

Throw it away?

I can’t just throw things away!

But no…this is not what we came here for….

But maybe…

No man!

Maybe….

No!

Let’s just try it and see what happens…..

Oh alright then…. What could possibly go wrong?

Turns out: everything.

Guys, I mixed that stuff up, combed it through my hair and then took it out immediately. It must have been in my hair for fifteen minutes at the most. Granted some of it was in my hair for fifteen minutes and some of it was in there for five minutes… Like really how are you even supposed to time this stuff when you have seven tons of hair? Do you start the timer when you start putting it in or when you’ve finished?

Anyway…

I now look like God ordered for me to be ginger but there was a glitch in the system and my new look is calico. Which I suppose might be apt considering my love for cats, but still. Nevermind the slightly straw-ish texture which converts to maximum fluffage when I brush it. What is this hell anyway?!

I’ve spent the last 24 hours deciding what to do…

Like: Do I still go for the grey?  Because I’m afraid the grey is going to grey away all this ginger which was not quite the original plan… Or do I give up and chocolate brown this head back to normal? Because this over-sun-kissed low-budget streaky look is just far too bizarre for this steadfast brunette!

Possibly the best plan is the shave my head. The prospect of which excites my husband far too much…

But no.

What do I do?

4 thoughts on “How to Fork Up Your Hair in 75 Easy Steps

  1. Fuck man. I told you not to touch the bleach. My advice would be to try the grey over the ginger cat look and see how it comes out. What have you got to loose… You have it already and u hate throwing things away. Then if it still looks kak go buy a chocolate box.

    1. Ah shit I must have missed the part about the bleach. Although even though I didn’t hear you I did know better and didn’t listen to myself either. I dunno. Thought maybe the whole box would be a waste because the grey would do nothing unless I lightened it a tiny bit. Anyway I’m “rocking” the ginger look for now (I’m pretending I’m a Weasley) and I’ll do the greying sometime over the weekend. And then probably the next day I’ll do the chocolate box haha!

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