I’ll See You on the Other Side

Last night I couldn’t picture the other side of this. I found myself standing in the kitchen thinking I can’t imagine… 

My son and I share a trait where we need to know what is happening. We need to understand. Where are we going. When will we get there. What will happen there. It’s about angst and the need for control, I suppose. It’s about being able to picture what is ahead and prepare for it emotionally.

I spend so much time fantasising about later…

But I suddenly realised what is later this time? Are we going to beat this? Is it going to take longer than we imagine or will we be done in 21 days?

The other side of this is such a mystery!

For weeks I’ve been saying can’t we just shut the world down for a few weeks and reset.

Now the reset is here and I find myself unsettled by the uncertainty of it. It’s not fear, I don’t think. Not yet anyway. It’s something else. It’s this cloud of questions with no answers. And I suppose because there are no concrete answers the worst and best case scenarios are fighting each other in my head for Top Billing.

In three weeks everything will go back to normal.

In three weeks nothing will ever be the same again.

Which one will it be?

Some Things I Never Told You

 

My Dearest Aunty Shaz…

The news of your death hasn’t quite sunk in yet. I can feel it trying to get into my bloodstream. The reality and finality of it. Stupidly I got up late this morning because my dogs had me pinned down and my cat was asleep on my back and I didn’t want to disturb them. Then again, what does it matter when I finally surfaced? You’re still gone.

There are some things I never told you. And perhaps I am hoping that there is wifi in Heaven because I’ve always believed that you should tell people the things about them that make your own life a little bit more beautiful. I messed up with you. And I didn’t tell you. So I want to tell you now.

Forgive me if this seems a little self-involved. I know I come across that way sometimes. I tend to understand the world better when I tie it to myself, and I can see how that can be interpreted as making it about me. It’s how I process though. I start with myself and then follow the ripples, watching them collide and intersect. And make sense… (more…)

21 Days of Lockdown Reading

If I take out the part where I actually make money, my business can still kind of carry on as usual during our lockdown, so my plan is to simply work really hard in the hopes that by the end of all of this I might be able to make up the shortfall. Only time will tell that, I suppose.

For now though, on day one, I think I’m going to give myself a long weekend. A long weekend in which to read my heart out and hang with my kid and my doggles and kittles. I’m going to skip any further attempts at a “theme” and just dive in wherever my fancies take me.

Because I can and I should.

How are you planning to spend your first couple of quarantine days?

Take This Time

I’m a champion at isolation. A combination of introversion and struggling with regular bouts of depression will do that to you, I guess. Add in some sensory processing challenges and home becomes more than a sanctuary. It becomes a necessity of survival.

But even I am feeling challenged as I sit here, content to isolate, but knowing that the frustration is on the horizon. It’s about consent, I suppose. The removal of choice has a powerful impact on emotional wellbeing.

We are in this alone together though. And it is so essential that we do it.

So yes, I know that it’s hard, but let’s do that thing where we turn lemons into lemonade if we can…

I am technically able to continue working for the time being, and my life doesn’t look too different to what it was before. But there are going to be income issues. There are already income issues. So even though I’m “working” it might be said that I can step back and make no impact to the already dwindling cash flow.

So I think maybe I should take the time…

  • Take the time to work on my blog
  • Take the time to properly organize this house
  • Take the time to watch a movie or two or three with my kid
  • Take the time to colour in the beautiful colouring books that I have
  • Take the time to read more of the books that are so patiently waiting for me
  • Take the time to go through my craft cupboard and create something

I want to take the time…

What would you like to do?

Must Love Music

Ok don’t laugh at me for being a bit of a ridiculous person, but this month I’m reading books about music because I’ve had to admit to myself that music has turned into one of those lost love sort of things for me. Actually, go ahead and laugh. It’s ridiculous. Thing is, somewhere along the line, this thing I loved completely just became this thing that I’m somewhat sadly indifferent about. So indifferent, in fact, that the only music I ever really listen to is the church band that plays on Sundays.

So I had this daft idea that after reading all about books in January, maybe I should read about music in March (Feb was dedicated to Mary Higgins Clark) because the reading about books thing made me all oh my gosh I really love books-y and I thought maybe that would work for music?

So far, no not really. But I did read two awesome books because of it so far though. And I’m enjoying a third. So there’s that, right?

Do you have any fall back in love with music books on your bookshelves?

That Time I Got Married

So yesterday was our 8th wedding anniversary. The husband and I are a bit crap about our wedding anniversary though. We actually tend to forget it quite regularly, which we both find amusing rather than deem it evidence of a lack of love. It took us so long to actually get married that we don’t count our wedding day anniversary as much. Instead we are more likely to celebrate our “let’s be exclusive” anniversary. Because the thing is: we’ve been pretty much all in since the beginning.

We did go out and have breakfast yesterday though. There’s a little coffee shop in town called Buttercup and it’s as cute as it sounds. The lady who cooks the food is so adorable. I’m kicking myself for not asking for her name! The point is we made a small effort to celebrate, and it was pleasant.

It’s a cliche to say, but in our years together we have been through quite a lot. Blending two families, for one, is not for the weak. Marrying anyone who went to an all boys boarding school is also not for the weak! (I stand fully by this observation) And being married to a woman who is ill (and is me) is certainly not for the weak either. And yet here we both still are.

Last night we sat in bed watching The Laundromat which is a very serious movie (this after discounting so many other movies for being too serious – oops) and I was crocheting a blanket and Ty was scrolling on his phone and I realised not for the first time that here just quietly sitting with this man is truly my favourite place to be. Sometimes we do it in other places, even other countries, this sitting quietly thing, and it’s exactly the same no matter where we are.

So I think he’s home. Wherever he is, that’s where home is.

Sometimes I look at us and I think yes, this is what marriage is supposed to be. And I’m not sure how we accidentally got it right. I’m just glad we did…

New Month, Old Life, Laughing Anyway

 

Bloody hell, you know! I was looking forward to today! New week. New month. Head down. Work hard. Pay debts. All that good stuff…

Dammit I’ve just remembered I forgot to pay the school fees!!

Ok they’re paid…

Where was I? Oh yes. In Scatterland. I really shouldn’t be a blogger at all…

This morning I was having a laugh about how I tend to push myself a little too far and then burnout hits and I’m screwed. Oh silly silly woman, why you do that? Huh? Why?!

Because you know what happened? CRASH!!!

And now I’m in this space that doesn’t feel real. Like moving and existing and even typing all this nonsense is such a monumental chore that I am faced with the reality that I just can’t do it anymore followed by screaming body aches and my head yelling over and over just get up dammit you need to work but the disconnect gap is so damn wide I just can’t find myself anymore.

It’s not fair! I rested on Saturday. And I rested on Sunday afternoon. And I woke up slowly this morning and I let myself read a bit and ease into the day.

Would I allow anyone else to do this? No! I’d be all “hey sweet baby girl you need to take time out and rest before you burn out go and do something peaceful and get out of your head a bit” and then gently nudge them off to take a nap. But myself? Nah fam, it’s 14 hour work days and 22 hour stress-a-thons for this daft cow.

But anyway. I told myself I was going to blog more because otherwise WHY am I paying to host this little sideshow?

So I blogged. And I keep telling myself that I should speak about this stuff because it helps. So I blogged.

Happy new month, folks!

Otherwise Pandemonium – Nick Hornby (a review)

Otherwise Pandemonium / Not a StarOtherwise Pandemonium / Not a Star by Nick Hornby
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have such a love for Nick Hornby. His ability to just put you in the head of completely different people never ceases to amaze me. This is a short story book with only two stories in it. One is from the first person perspective of a teenage boy, and the second is from the perspective of a middle-aged woman. Both stories are great, of course, but the graceful ease in which he moves from one to another just blows my mind. I didn’t even have to adjust between the two completely different voices. It just works. He just works. Maybe if I continue to read his books over and over I might actually manage the same? I would LOVE to write men with the accuracy and skill that Nick Hornby writes women.

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A Month of Mary Higgins Clark

I started February with grand plans to make my way through my entire Mary Higgins Clark collection in memory of her death. I made it through three.

That’s a bad way to put it. That makes it sound like reading them was a chore. It wasn’t. Reading Mary is never a chore. Ok, when I was 12 it was a little harder, but I was still happy to do it then. No, reading Mary is kind of an indulgence. Something to treat my tired brain to.

So I’m a little grumpy that I only got through three because damn, son, I needed the break!

Alas, March has come and I’m supposed to change direction now…

Of course my tired brain can’t settle on a new theme though. So where to now, anyway?

The Melody Lingers On – Mary Higgins Clark (review)

The Melody Lingers OnThe Melody Lingers On by Mary Higgins Clark
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Generally with MHC it’s the whole “what the hell happened” thing that keeps me turning pages. Like who killed whoever or who is the stalker. You know, that sort of mysterious stuff. This book is a little different from the usual though. It’s a little mysterious, of course, but it’s more of a “what happens” sort of tale than a “what happened” sort of tale.

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