When do I get to feel better?

Full disclosure: there was weed in the tea I drank a little while ago. This post could go pear-shaped without me knowing it. Then again, weed never seems to affect me the way it does other folks. It just makes me a little dumber which I find distressing in a different kind of way. Like oh cool I feel less anxious in general. Now I’m just anxious about not being anxious.

Welcome to the inside of my head.

I have a question though: how the fuck do chronic pain sufferers actually cope? Because not a fuck am I getting it right.

I make no apologies for my language. I’m angry. And today I can’t stop crying so just fuck it.

Something stupid happened and I think I might be struggling to come to terms with it.  (more…)

How’s your anxiety treating you?

Mine’s a bit of a bitch at the moment if I’m being honest. I really need to stop qualifying the things I say with “honestly” and “if I’m being honest”. I’m always being honest. It’s too much trouble to be anything else.

Where was I? Oh yes…

Anxiety is a bitch.

My home is peaceful. Since lockdown my husband and I have had only one almost-fight which is pretty good for us because we’re both assholes and we tend to yell a lot. The kids are getting along better than usual. We’ve settled into a routine that I actually find quite comforting.

But the air of fear stays. I’ve mostly had it under control in my real life lately, but international pandemics don’t lend themselves to feelings of control, so what you gonna do? (more…)

New Month, Old Life, Laughing Anyway

 

Bloody hell, you know! I was looking forward to today! New week. New month. Head down. Work hard. Pay debts. All that good stuff…

Dammit I’ve just remembered I forgot to pay the school fees!!

Ok they’re paid…

Where was I? Oh yes. In Scatterland. I really shouldn’t be a blogger at all…

This morning I was having a laugh about how I tend to push myself a little too far and then burnout hits and I’m screwed. Oh silly silly woman, why you do that? Huh? Why?!

Because you know what happened? CRASH!!!

And now I’m in this space that doesn’t feel real. Like moving and existing and even typing all this nonsense is such a monumental chore that I am faced with the reality that I just can’t do it anymore followed by screaming body aches and my head yelling over and over just get up dammit you need to work but the disconnect gap is so damn wide I just can’t find myself anymore.

It’s not fair! I rested on Saturday. And I rested on Sunday afternoon. And I woke up slowly this morning and I let myself read a bit and ease into the day.

Would I allow anyone else to do this? No! I’d be all “hey sweet baby girl you need to take time out and rest before you burn out go and do something peaceful and get out of your head a bit” and then gently nudge them off to take a nap. But myself? Nah fam, it’s 14 hour work days and 22 hour stress-a-thons for this daft cow.

But anyway. I told myself I was going to blog more because otherwise WHY am I paying to host this little sideshow?

So I blogged. And I keep telling myself that I should speak about this stuff because it helps. So I blogged.

Happy new month, folks!

Hello, Anxiety…

Anxiety and I have been very close friends since…well…probably birth. She doesn’t just pop in on special occasions she pretty much holds my hand and blows in my ears all day, every day. She’s kind of in whirlwind mode at the moment though and I’ve been giving myself a hard time about it, until last night when I suddenly had a sort of epiphany.

Could anyone else handle the inside of my head?

Here’s the thing. This week has kind of sucked for various reasons. Mostly I’m questioning my capabilities as a mother. As usual I feel like I’m fucking up on that front but it’s a little more magnified than usual at the moment. Like holy shit please rewind ten years and make different choices kind of magnified. And then I went and did something potentially stupid: I signed myself up for a market appearance this weekend.

How awesome does a pop-up bookshop sound? Pretty damn freaking awesome, right?! (more…)

A weird update on my health…

This is another short post but something health related happened last night which I personally found to be quite profound. You may find it a little strange, I suppose. I don’t know. I got quite excited about it though.

Around this time last year was pretty much when my health was at its worst. And at the time a friend gave me tickets to another friend’s charity function. I’ll be honest: I did NOT want to go. But I did. With two other friends, and my unfortunate husband who I think might have been one of only two men there.

Anyway. At this function I nearly lost my mind because it was an introvert’s nightmare, and I was experiencing some serious sensitivity issues with pretty much all of my senses, so that made it about a thousand times worse that it normally would have been. I laughed my way through it (quite literally – there was a section on laughter therapy – it was the least funny thing I have ever experienced) and then I took a week to recover from it afterwards.

At that event though, we were given a goodie bag that contained a huge jar of a very rich body lotion. It was a really good lotion. One that was worth quite a bit more than I usually spend on lotion from Clicks. And guys, the smell of that lotion literally offended me. It made me so angry. And I knew it was irrational to feel angry about a lotion, but oh my gosh that stuff just pissed me off so much. Now, understand that even regularly I have a very keen sense of smell and taste, but during that time all of my senses felt like they were in overdrive. Bright light was too much. Too much sound would make me cry. Even being touched was too much at one point. Luckily I have very understanding family members! Anyway, the point it that I couldn’t stand the smell of the scary body lotion that came from the scary event. I couldn’t even bare the smell of it on my husband. It had a very particular smell. A rich smell, perhaps. I can’t explain it. But that smell. It made me angry. And quite frantic if I’m to be honest.

But this was like R400’s worth of lotion. You don’t throw that away because you’re a bit nuts…

Well, last night I got out of the shower and because of who I am as a person I couldn’t immediately find the body lotions that I’ve been using for the last while. So I picked up the terrifying event lotion. And you know what? It doesn’t actually smell bad at all. I remember exactly what it smelled like at the time and it actually doesn’t smell like that at all now. I used it all over and it didn’t bother me at all.

It’s just weird. I know that the sensitivity I was experiencing back then has calmed a LOT in the last 6 to 8 months, but even now I find it fascinating how different this particular experience is compared to how it was back then. And all because of a mineral imbalance.

Gosh… I started by saying this was a short post…

Sorry about that.

Build Me Up, Body20

Not so long ago someone gave me a gift which I can now quite confidently claim to be one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I sound hyperbolic, surely, but please don’t doubt my sincerity. I’ve been speaking about my health a lot more than I am usually comfortable with lately. Catharsis is a strange thing, perhaps. But something I have not yet mentioned is that for the last 6 weeks or so I’ve been doing something called Body20. This came to be in the most random way you can imagine.

Bare with me, this might get long-winded.

My husband’s boss and his new wife own the Body20 business in Walmer. When they got married Ty’s boss asked Ty if he would mind taking some pics for them at their wedding. I was then asked to come too. I was so nervous! I didn’t know these people and I was terrified I was going to mess up their wedding pics! I still don’t know what I’m doing when I have a camera in my hands. But I met Rachelle, and she was so sweet, and she handed me a calming glass of champagne, and soon I was quite content with these lovely strangers. (more…)

My Husband is Trying to Kill Me

Ok not really, of course. But he might be trying to chip away at my sanity, a little. Or a lot. Is this what normal husbands do?

I’m sitting here dreading the consumption of my next shake. As you may know I have taken to using meal replacements as a way to ensure that I actually eat during the day, because my habit of skipping both breakfast and lunch for a very long period of time has sent me to health jail. Ok maybe not health jail…. What would health jail even be?  (more…)

Kefir Makes You Poop

So I’m at that age where conversations about bowel movements have become a regular occurrence. Yes. I said “regular”….*snort*giggle*fart*oops* (as an aside… taking a selfie to go along with this post was really awkward…. like how even do you make sure you’re not accidentally pulling a poo face to go with your poo post…?)

When your family is in the wellness industry, poop talk is just par for the course really. It’s one of the biggest complaints I have heard in my years of being around people who are looking to learn about Herbalife. I don’t go to the loo enough. Ag shame, then you can’t help but feel sorry for the person because let’s be honest a good poo at the right moment can feel life changing. (more…)

What Went Wrong: I think I figured it out

I think probably my favourite thing about television, or fiction in general really, is that for the most part there is a very high emphasis on closure and they always manage to figure out what went wrong. Someone sets out to pursue a dream, they get there eventually. Someone is murdered, they figure out who did it. Someone is mysteriously ill, the doctors figure out why.

Real life doesn’t really work that way too often.

At the height of my failing health last year I couldn’t bring myself to see a doctor. I should have. But if you understand a smidge about depression and anxiety you can understand that sometimes the executive functioning needed to do such a thing is just not there. You’ll laugh, but when I’m feeling better I’ll be able to go and see the doctor… I’m not even kidding. (more…)

How the health stuff is going…

So I’ve been on a low-key health journey over the last 6 months or so. This is mostly thanks to my mother and husband who have pretty much spoonfed me through the entire thing. From my folks sponsoring me with Herbalife products to my husband ensuring that I take all the supplements that I need daily… Where would I be without them? Yikes…

I don’t know if I particularly mentioned it but I was feeling suicidal last year. Yes, that’s a fucking huge thing to say, and believe me I don’t say it lightly. The thing is, I got to a point where my body was so flat and my head was constantly whirring and I actually just couldn’t anymore. A combination of personal stuff and plain health stuff stirred up a cocktail of some scary ideations. This is why health is so important. Because it was my body driving my mind crazy. (more…)