This is the first time I’ve ever entered a year by wondering how many losses it will bring us. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation my whole life, and not even once have I greeted a brand new year by wondering if I will make it to the end of it. But here we are. And wondering feels like all we do these days, doesn’t it?

As the covid death toll rises, the stories get closer and closer to home. Our tiny church has lost a most beloved member to this plague. I’ve watched friends deal with way too many family deaths in far too short a space of time. And I have to wonder: are some of us dying of broken hearts? I heard of two sisters who died within a week of each other. Just two towns over from where we are. If my sister died, I would die of a broken heart. I don’t think I could fight covid while nursing a shattered psyche.

I am scared. I am scared for myself, and I am scared for you.  (more…)

• January is my favourite time of year. Partly because January means that the hell that is Christmas is over, but also because I suppose somewhere in this kinda-flighty-kinda-romantic brain of mine there exists an irreparable love of new beginnings. As always, I will note that I am aware of the snark and eye-rolly feelings that accompany many when it comes to resolutions and starting over. I get it. I read all the Bridget Jones books at least three to five times each and therefore I know that plans of improving on one’s habits are quite typically short-lived for most of us. I, however, have no goals of eating less cheese or chocolate. Any concern regarding the size of my derriere has more to do with wondering if I should be worried about how much weight I’ve put on since changing my meds, or if I should just shrug and go along with it. I admit though, there is a bit of bummage concerning how long I have before I need to rethink my wardrobe. Thankfully a lot of my clothing is one size fits most. (more…)