So I’ve been on a low-key health journey over the last 6 months or so. This is mostly thanks to my mother and husband who have pretty much spoonfed me through the entire thing. From my folks sponsoring me with Herbalife products to my husband ensuring that I take all the supplements that I need daily… Where would I be without them? Yikes…
I don’t know if I particularly mentioned it but I was feeling suicidal last year. Yes, that’s a fucking huge thing to say, and believe me I don’t say it lightly. The thing is, I got to a point where my body was so flat and my head was constantly whirring and I actually just couldn’t anymore. A combination of personal stuff and plain health stuff stirred up a cocktail of some scary ideations. This is why health is so important. Because it was my body driving my mind crazy.
They were “just” ideations though. I say “just” because there is definitely a difference between suicidal intent and suicidal ideation. I have no intent, and I never will (I hope!). I only need to look over at my beautiful boy to know that there is no way I will ever choose not to stick around. Even at my lowest I knew that. So perhaps I can say to myself “at least there’s that”…
Ideation though. It’s a bugger. Those ugly thoughts of I don’t have the capacity to harm myself on purpose right now, but if a bus happened to be hurtling towards me would I even bother to get out of the way?
When the answer is no then things need to change.
Luckily for me they have.
My health is a LOT better now. I’m not so exhausted anymore. I still nap a lot, but that’s because I like napping and not because I have no choice. The panic attacks that I was quietly dealing with on an almost daily basis are now only happening once in a while. I no longer feel hopeless or that I’m kind of tired of existing (thank God) and I’m not longer a constant ball of fear. My anxiety is back to its regular self. As in it is consistently there but only at a level I can deal with.
So it’s going well.
I’m still a bit squishy and the rebuilding of my strength(muscle) is going to be a long process, but I’m good.
How are you doing?