Mine’s a bit of a bitch at the moment if I’m being honest. I really need to stop qualifying the things I say with “honestly” and “if I’m being honest”. I’m always being honest. It’s too much trouble to be anything else.
Where was I? Oh yes…
Anxiety is a bitch.
My home is peaceful. Since lockdown my husband and I have had only one almost-fight which is pretty good for us because we’re both assholes and we tend to yell a lot. The kids are getting along better than usual. We’ve settled into a routine that I actually find quite comforting.
But the air of fear stays. I’ve mostly had it under control in my real life lately, but international pandemics don’t lend themselves to feelings of control, so what you gonna do?
Lady Gaga and whoever else (sorry guys) set up that Together at Home concert thing on Saturday and I watched the entire thing. All 8+ hours of it. On Youtube (which incidentally caused our almost-fight because my husband was grumpy that my YouTubing was causing his war game to lag). Generally I don’t watch YouTube clips that are longer than 2 minutes. But yeah. I watched the whole thing.
I’m glad I did. For one, I love this sort of thing. There is so much hopefulness when you look to the helpers in times of crisis. I was in The States when the Twin Towers went down and the gut wrenching scariness of it was soothed by observing the response of the people. For another: I almost never pay attention to music anymore which is ridiculous since I do actually love it so it was kind of nice to experience such a wide variety of musicians in their homes just doing what they do.
And most importantly: There was a mental health expert who spoke for a little while. Forgive me, I don’t remember her name I only remember that she was affiliated with a fancy university. I forget which one. Anyway, she was saying how it’s completely natural to be anxious at this time. And it is especially normal if you already have a pre-existing anxiety disorder. Ah! Ok cool. I’m not sure why it helps to know that but it does!
Because I still keep beating myself up. Everything is kind of lovely if I disregard the whole oncoming apocalypse thing. I have a ton to be grateful for. And yet I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. The sluggishness is so intense. I’m trying to keep busy but what am I even getting done?
I did manage to clean my bedroom yesterday, though. That alone is a miracle to be grateful for. Maybe today I’ll manage my office?
Stay safe, my loves! And stay sane.